The weather cannot make up it's mind. It's hot, then cold. Rain, ice, snow, sun, clouds, repeat, repeat. Every time I think spring may be on it's way, the landscape freezes and kills the green buds brave enough to have crept out in the sunlight. It's discouraging, but reminds me of myself.
I have tentatively tried to grow socially, to reach out and be friendlier. I'm quickly reminded though of how I don't fit in, how people would rather sit in silence than address me, going as far as blatantly ignoring when I try to drum up a topic.
The ones that speak to me tell me I'm sweet, and kind, a good person to know. I'm confused and disappointed (mostly confused) that I get such a strong inverse reaction from others. And the negative keeps beating me back, reverting me to what is simplest, what I know best. To be a wallflower, hidden in shadows, ignored or unnoticed.
My birthday comes and goes with little fanfare. Lawrence takes me to dinner and gets me a nice dress, to help in updating my wardrobe to fit my recent smaller figure. He tells me how much I mean to him and how happy he is I'm in his life. He is kind, and his words touch me, but I can't help to think the day marks 20 years of my father not wanting me in his life.
I will never understand what pushed him to choose drink over his children, to not provide for them, and to not have any kind of relationship where they were a part of his life. I will never know if I have half-siblings, if he thinks of us from time to time, if he even remembers our names.
I hear other co-workers say their life was so incomplete because their dad wasn't there to toss the pigskin at their beck and call, or that they didn't come to every school event, and all I can feel is bitterness welling up inside me. I bite back the tears and my tongue, to prevent myself from letting them know how good they have it. That they still speak to their father, and he will converse with them, the simple fact that they know where he is and that he's alive. I feel the anger and sadness well up inside me, but take a deep breath and let it wash over me. I know my pain won't translate, no matter how I string together the words.
And so I continue to sit quiet, unwilling to speak the words that will fall on deaf ears.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Starting Second Semester
The seasons have changed. The wind is bitter cold, biting at any exposed skin it can find. Snow drifts and swirls in the stiff breezes, claiming casualties in auto pileups. I am never ready for winter when it appears.
My first semester at college has come and gone. I have learned so much and yet discovered there is much more I didn't know in the process. My boss rallies behind me, and starts to include me in meetings and discussions with the department I hope to join after my degree is completed. Her efforts are appreciated, and a good way to lay groundwork for the transition, but I am not enjoying much of what I find in these verbal transactions.
I'm going for a degree in programming, and I have known from the start that the field is primarily dominated by men, an uphilll battle for the brave entrants of a female persuasion. I like to think that as long as I'm good and engaged my work, I will be doing what I can to reach some form of equality in the ranks.
Things with the department at my current employer are hard to gauge though. I admit my lack of knowledge and experience in the actual working field may skew things in a different way, but I get concerned about what potentials I might be "allowed" to bring. They seem to be steadfast -- too steadfast -- in what we can do and what options there are, reverting to old school programs and approaches while new (sometimes better) options present themselves and projects of the past cease to be relevant, or even functioning.
If I learn all these new options and the potentials they have, will I even be able to use them, or voted down by a majority? I'm excited my career path is changing, finally evolving in a direction I specifically chose, but I worry about the limitations I may face from others. I want to be passionate and enjoy what I do 40 hours a week, and I'm doing my best to make it a reality. I just never considered the roadblock might be something besides myself.
My first semester at college has come and gone. I have learned so much and yet discovered there is much more I didn't know in the process. My boss rallies behind me, and starts to include me in meetings and discussions with the department I hope to join after my degree is completed. Her efforts are appreciated, and a good way to lay groundwork for the transition, but I am not enjoying much of what I find in these verbal transactions.
I'm going for a degree in programming, and I have known from the start that the field is primarily dominated by men, an uphilll battle for the brave entrants of a female persuasion. I like to think that as long as I'm good and engaged my work, I will be doing what I can to reach some form of equality in the ranks.
Things with the department at my current employer are hard to gauge though. I admit my lack of knowledge and experience in the actual working field may skew things in a different way, but I get concerned about what potentials I might be "allowed" to bring. They seem to be steadfast -- too steadfast -- in what we can do and what options there are, reverting to old school programs and approaches while new (sometimes better) options present themselves and projects of the past cease to be relevant, or even functioning.
If I learn all these new options and the potentials they have, will I even be able to use them, or voted down by a majority? I'm excited my career path is changing, finally evolving in a direction I specifically chose, but I worry about the limitations I may face from others. I want to be passionate and enjoy what I do 40 hours a week, and I'm doing my best to make it a reality. I just never considered the roadblock might be something besides myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)