Always in the Shadows

The weather cannot make up it's mind. It's hot, then cold. Rain, ice, snow, sun, clouds, repeat, repeat. Every time I think spring may be on it's way, the landscape freezes and kills the green buds brave enough to have crept out in the sunlight. It's discouraging, but reminds me of myself.
I have tentatively tried to grow socially, to reach out and be friendlier. I'm quickly reminded though of how I don't fit in, how people would rather sit in silence than address me, going as far as blatantly ignoring when I try to drum up a topic. The ones that speak to me tell me I'm sweet, and kind, a good person to know. I'm confused and disappointed (mostly confused) that I get such a strong inverse reaction from others. And the negative keeps beating me back, reverting me to what is simplest, what I know best. To be a wallflower, hidden in shadows, ignored or unnoticed.

---

My birthday comes and goes with little fanfare. Lawrence takes me to dinner and gets me a nice dress, to help in updating my wardrobe to fit my recent smaller figure. He tells me how much I mean to him and how happy he is I'm in his life. He is kind, and his words touch me, but I can't help to think the day marks 20 years of my father not wanting me in his life.
I will never understand what pushed him to choose drink over his children, to not provide for them, and to not have any kind of relationship where they were a part of his life. I will never know if I have half-siblings, if he thinks of us from time to time, if he even remembers our names.
I hear other co-workers say their life was so incomplete because their dad wasn't there to toss the pigskin at their beck and call, or that they didn't come to every school event, and all I can feel is bitterness welling up inside me. I bite back the tears and my tongue, to prevent myself from letting them know how good they have it. That they still speak to their father, and he will converse with them, the simple fact that they know where he is and that he's alive. I feel the anger and sadness well up inside me, but take a deep breath and let it wash over me. I know my pain won't translate, no matter how I string together the words.
And so I continue to sit quiet, unwilling to speak the words that will fall on deaf ears.

Starting Second Semester

The seasons have changed. The wind is bitter cold, biting at any exposed skin it can find. Snow drifts and swirls in the stiff breezes, claiming casualties in auto pileups. I am never ready for winter when it appears.

---

My first semester at college has come and gone. I have learned so much and yet discovered there is much more I didn't know in the process. My boss rallies behind me, and starts to include me in meetings and discussions with the department I hope to join after my degree is completed. Her efforts are appreciated, and a good way to lay groundwork for the transition, but I am not enjoying much of what I find in these verbal transactions.
I'm going for a degree in programming, and I have known from the start that the field is primarily dominated by men, an uphilll battle for the brave entrants of a female persuasion. I like to think that as long as I'm good and engaged my work, I will be doing what I can to reach some form of equality in the ranks.
Things with the department at my current employer are hard to gauge though. I admit my lack of knowledge and experience in the actual working field may skew things in a different way, but I get concerned about what potentials I might be "allowed" to bring. They seem to be steadfast -- too steadfast -- in what we can do and what options there are, reverting to old school programs and approaches while new (sometimes better) options present themselves and projects of the past cease to be relevant, or even functioning.
If I learn all these new options and the potentials they have, will I even be able to use them, or voted down by a majority? I'm excited my career path is changing, finally evolving in a direction I specifically chose, but I worry about the limitations I may face from others. I want to be passionate and enjoy what I do 40 hours a week, and I'm doing my best to make it a reality. I just never considered the roadblock might be something besides myself.

SSDD

Things have been quite hectic lately. I've decided on a major, been going to college, and work has been gratuitously busy (as it always is during the last few months of the year). Honestly, I have no complaints, other than the lack of free time for personal endeavors, but I know it'll be worth it in the long run. I've already excitedly searched for companies in areas I'd like to move to, once I've established myself in my field of choice. I get ahead of myself, but sometimes the promise of the future can be a beautiful and exciting thing. I look forward to all the opportunities I've denied myself in the past. Home life has been good, but we haven't hit the holiday/birthday marathons just yet, so that may be subject to change in the next two months...Some people have luck with in-laws and some don't. The way the cookie crumbles, I suppose. Yes, this entry is short and lame, without anything going for it, but frankly when things are the same cardboard cutout every day and nothing is rocking the boat, there isn't much to report.

Them's the Breaks

I stumbled out of bed, crossed my fingers and stepped onto the scale. For once, it didn't completely disappoint me. I've finally lost 24 pounds in my journey to better myself and my health. I have quite a bit to go, but you have to start somewhere, and my results haven't happened randomly or magically.

It set the mood for the day.

---

Renee recently turned 18, so in celebration Devon, Lawrence, Renee and I decided to go out for a day of fun. We decided on a well-known children's museum that none of us had been to. She had to laugh at the irony of celebrating her birthday that marked stepping into adulthood being spent somewhere made for children.

We had a nice time and caught up as summer has been hectic and I haven't seen her as much as I would like. Her job search has been (unsurprisingly) not going well, as she has no vehicle and her father lives in a town of less than 300 people. I did find out that Mother has been constantly calling and texting her all hours of the day and night. She has repeatedly asked Renee to move back in with her, which Renee has (thankfully) refused to do, adamantly.

I think Mother has finally realized the gravity of her situation -- she is married to a man that she does not love (and that does not love her), she is jobless, practically penniless, and has burned any bridges with family members that would be able or willing to help her get out of her situation.

I am sad -- she is my Mother too, after all -- but I will not allow her to take from me any more than she already has. I have worked hard to get where I am and will not risk losing it to help someone as manipulative and ungrateful as her.

Ignoring the Seed

I have been a busy gal lately. Between work, personal craft projects, getting college set up and my diet/ exercise plan, I've had a hard time catching a moment for myself.

Last week while lying awake in bed, I wondered aloud in the dark to Lawrence about various things I'm worrying about or just thinking about in general. The topic of all of the pies I have my thumb in came up and I heard him sigh. Confused, I turned toward him and asked what was on his mind.

"I'm afraid you're going to burn yourself out. You're already so busy at work, taking on twice the responsibilities you did last year, plus now exercising and school. Something is going to suffer because of it."

I was taken aback, surprised he felt that way. I suppose it certainly made sense, but I'd not really thought about it before. I exercise on my lunch and would have my evenings and weekends free for coursework, so everything would fit into a day just fine. Sure, I'll be more than ready for Christmas break, but I thought I was improving a lot of things for the positive - getting healthy and in shape, earning a degree - I was focused on where they would get me in the future, but not what it may cost me now.

On the bright side, being enrolled in school has awakened something in him I've never seen before - some sort of hope for both he and I to improve ourselves. (We are both college drop-outs, due to some financial issues). Seeing me get back into it has made him entertain an idea he has always shot down before: for him to go back to college as well, after his school loans are paid off.

Some days I think he is more excited and proud than I for my latest pursuit, but I love seeing his face light up when the topic comes up, or how he can't wait to share the news with people. He's almost like a little kid.

In his roundabout way, he has both inspired me and planted a small seed of doubt. I am getting nervous as the days on the calendar tick off, one by one. To fight the nerves, I am focusing on making it look easy. If I can prove to him I can do it, maybe it will inspire him to stick with the idea of returning himself, when the time comes.

You're Only Hurting Yourself

Growing up, I was the child everyone wanted their kid to be: straight A's, well behaved, in before dark and didn't sass back. Under a strict parentage I minded my manners, and respected my elders.

I have been able to grow a bit since being on my own, but like to think my basic roots are still there.

Lawrence's mother doesn't feel this way. And she lets me know every time we are over for holidays, birthdays, what-have-yous. Her friendly elbow in the rib reminder? The coldest of cold shoulders. I am not spoken to, looked at, or in any way is my existence acknowledged. (Frankly, I'm surprised I got a gift card at Christmas). His sister used to be as bad, but has eased up, at least when MIL is out of the room. It makes life a bit easier, so hopefully this trend of her being decent and civil continues. (We used to be friends before the "event", which makes me even more sad since it's a small victory when she says anything to me at all.)

I should back up to explain the "event" and why things have progressed this way. 

Lawrence and I are very shy, introverted people. We avoid attention like the plague and only go out for work, supplies and the rare movie or social date with our small group of friends. When we got engaged in late 2010, it wasn't even a question to us how big the wedding would be. We shared our exciting news with family and friends, but were upfront that the actual wedding would be us, an officiant and a photographer. There would be no wedding party, there would be no reception, there would be no chairs or guests. It was a private moment we wanted to share with each other, without the nervousness of eyes watching us.

Everyone wished us the best - except his mother and sister. I offered to involve them in the few items I would actually spend time on towards the wedding (dress shopping, designing the bouquet), but it only seemed to fan the fire. It quickly became clear that unless we had a large wedding and they were invited it wouldn't be good enough.

We still did it our way. (And I'm proud of that).

Since then, the situation has been worse, turning into the aforementioned cold shoulders. It has been going on for almost two years. The strain it puts on my relationship with Lawrence has become undeniable. The bitterness has grown, the resentment mounting, I cringe at the thought of any holiday or get-together because one person can't let go of their anger over us making a very personal decision.

Some days I feel at a crossroads. Lawrence refuses to sets boundaries with his mother, stating I should treat her the same and go on with things. In an ideal world, I would be able to, but I am not that kind of person and refuse to think I should have to stoop to her level. I want to not dread family gatherings, but until Lawrence sees he is placing his mother ahead of his wife, I don't anticipate things having the slightest chance of changing for the better.

I wonder if she will ever realize she is only hurting herself in the long run. She can be hateful and unkind, but it will impact her relationships with Lawrence, me, and any potential future children we may have. Her actions may only hurt my feelings, but her anger will eventually alienate her from part of the family she may one day want to have a relationship with.

Adventures in Registration

College has been difficult.

Wait, wait, let me rephrase that. Applying and registration has been difficult. Far more so than should be.

I started things back in May, with an application to a school I know I'd be accepted to. It's the cheapest around, with a solid history and a lot of people use it to achieve an associates before moving onto more expensive bachelor degrees elsewhere.

Unfortunately, a lack of correspondence and assistance on their end tied up the application process and resulted in a 2 month long fight to simply have my application processed and get my foot in the door.

Two weeks later and three visits to the campus, all I've accomplished is confirming that my loans are ready. I still haven't been able to get an academic advisor's signature, nor registration, my books, or my college ID/payment card.

I hope classes are not nearly as difficult, and the professors more responsive. I hope it's going to be worth it.