You're Only Hurting Yourself

Growing up, I was the child everyone wanted their kid to be: straight A's, well behaved, in before dark and didn't sass back. Under a strict parentage I minded my manners, and respected my elders.

I have been able to grow a bit since being on my own, but like to think my basic roots are still there.

Lawrence's mother doesn't feel this way. And she lets me know every time we are over for holidays, birthdays, what-have-yous. Her friendly elbow in the rib reminder? The coldest of cold shoulders. I am not spoken to, looked at, or in any way is my existence acknowledged. (Frankly, I'm surprised I got a gift card at Christmas). His sister used to be as bad, but has eased up, at least when MIL is out of the room. It makes life a bit easier, so hopefully this trend of her being decent and civil continues. (We used to be friends before the "event", which makes me even more sad since it's a small victory when she says anything to me at all.)

I should back up to explain the "event" and why things have progressed this way. 

Lawrence and I are very shy, introverted people. We avoid attention like the plague and only go out for work, supplies and the rare movie or social date with our small group of friends. When we got engaged in late 2010, it wasn't even a question to us how big the wedding would be. We shared our exciting news with family and friends, but were upfront that the actual wedding would be us, an officiant and a photographer. There would be no wedding party, there would be no reception, there would be no chairs or guests. It was a private moment we wanted to share with each other, without the nervousness of eyes watching us.

Everyone wished us the best - except his mother and sister. I offered to involve them in the few items I would actually spend time on towards the wedding (dress shopping, designing the bouquet), but it only seemed to fan the fire. It quickly became clear that unless we had a large wedding and they were invited it wouldn't be good enough.

We still did it our way. (And I'm proud of that).

Since then, the situation has been worse, turning into the aforementioned cold shoulders. It has been going on for almost two years. The strain it puts on my relationship with Lawrence has become undeniable. The bitterness has grown, the resentment mounting, I cringe at the thought of any holiday or get-together because one person can't let go of their anger over us making a very personal decision.

Some days I feel at a crossroads. Lawrence refuses to sets boundaries with his mother, stating I should treat her the same and go on with things. In an ideal world, I would be able to, but I am not that kind of person and refuse to think I should have to stoop to her level. I want to not dread family gatherings, but until Lawrence sees he is placing his mother ahead of his wife, I don't anticipate things having the slightest chance of changing for the better.

I wonder if she will ever realize she is only hurting herself in the long run. She can be hateful and unkind, but it will impact her relationships with Lawrence, me, and any potential future children we may have. Her actions may only hurt my feelings, but her anger will eventually alienate her from part of the family she may one day want to have a relationship with.